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We moved from England to America, to Utah, in 2001. Whilst the driving in England pretty bad, it is at least predictable. If English drivers cut you off at an intersection, it's not because they weren't paying attention, it's because they absolutely HAD to get out into the road in front of you. With that knowledge, driving in England is reasonable because at least you can predict what is going to happen. In Utah, however, things are very very different. Here, the driving is so random, so happenstance, so full of chance and vagary that it's almost like the drivers don't even realise they're in a car. In fact, to describe the gentle, vague drift down the centre of the road that happens here as "driving" is almost a misuse of the word. For the uninitiated, here is a guide for visitors who will be driving in Utah. These are things you need to know before getting here.

Enjoy this page

Take this page in the spirit in which it's intended. I love living in Utah but seriously people - a little more attention when driving would make a huge difference.
And remember if you're looking around and can't see anyone who matches the descriptions here, it might be you.

The driving test

Technically the DMV test in Utah isn't so much of a test of your driving skill as it is a test of whether you know what a car and a road look like. The written test is multiple choice and they give you the drivers handbook with all the answers in it. The road test involves a 7 or 8 minute drive around abandoned streets with one set of traffic lights, and a U-turn in a 7-lane wide road. One of my colleagues didn't even have to do this much. Despite the fact that a blind 5-year-old could pass this test, some Utah drivers still manage to fail it. Once you understand this premise, the rest of what follows will just fall into place.

No sense of direction

Utah drivers, as a general rule, are blessed with no sense of direction. I don't mean "a little sense", I mean absolutely no sense. They just don't seem to have any idea where they are, where they're going, or how to get there. This results in a number of driving characteristics that help define our road users here. Typically, they will get to an intersection, and when the light goes green, they'll decide that instead of turning left from the left turn lane (where they are), they instead need to turn right. The resulting manuever will block all the traffic (often causing an accident) as they turn right across several lanes of traffic. What makes this behaviour truly bizarre, is that in a lot of cases, there's no possible way that turning right could ever get them to the same place as turning left:

A derivative of this behaviour is when it happens at high speed. You can be driving down the freeway, and for 2 miles ahead of time (in Utah at least), the highway signs tell you of the upcoming exits. Despite this, the Utah driver can get to a couple of hundred yards from the exit before realising that's where they need to turn off. With no regard for their mirrors or indicators (see later), they will simply turn right from whichever lane they're in, to ensure they exit. Typically they exit across the gore (the white striped area) and miss the crash barrels by a couple of yards. It's not unusual to see this happen from the HOV lane across the double white line and the whole freeway.

No sense of urgency

Perhaps as a result of being in a daze all the time, Utah drivers have no sense of urgency. If you or I were to pick a spot to pull out into traffic, my guess is that you'd likely pull out and accelerate so as to cause as little interference with the traffic flow as possible. Not here. In Utah, you can be driving along with nobody behind you and with little warning, the car on the side street to your right will amble into the lane in front of you (because they didn't look far enough to see there was no traffic behind you), and then they'll cruise along with the lightest touch on the accelerator. It can take them a good 15 or 20 seconds to get from a standing start up to 30mph. I swear some of them have never even been that "fast".

No sense of colour

(Or color if you're American). A tip for those new to Utah - traffic lights aren't so much to control traffic as they are a suggestion of what might be an appropriate action for the driver. Green means go, but not too fast. A nice slow ambling start is what is called for here. Orange means 'keep going' and red means 'you might want to stop,' but it's really only a suggestion. (For pedestrians and cyclists, red and green both mean 'go'). Also note that most Utahns will look at a very obviously orange traffic light and tell you it's yellow. Maybe that's why I find so many people slowing down to stop at green lights?
Speaking of which, there aren't many pedestrians in America because of the car culture. But here in Utah, there's a concerted effort going on to kill off those people foolish enough to try to use their legs. As you sit at the traffic lights waiting to turn right, you might notice pedestrians waiting to cross the road you want to turn into. At the instant that your light goes green, the pedestrian light goes green too and they all step into the road without looking. Having the pedestrian and the vehicle light both green at the same time does seem to be a conflict of interest to me.

Mirrors and indicators

The Utah driving test makes (very) brief mention of mirrors and indicators. As a result, it seems most Utah drivers don't know what these are for. The women have figured out that the rear view mirror is for putting makeup on whilst driving. The men have figured out it's for use while shaving. So as a general rule of thumb, you need to assume that if you're behind a Utah driver, they have no idea you're even there.
Indicators on the other hand, they do at least know about. The problem is that they don't know when to use them. It stems from the word. In English, the word is "indicator" thus meaning something you would use to indicate your intentions. (I know - mind blowing, isn't it?) In American the word is "blinker" meaning something that blinks on and off and (apparently) serves no other purpose.
Typically, the indicators will come on as the driver turns the wheel and accidentally knocks the indicator control with their hand. The result is that the Utah driver indicates their intentions after they've slowed almost to a complete stop, and just as they begin to turn.
Sometimes, you'll come across a vehicle in the centre lane of the road, indicating left. Now I know you might think this is someone turning left and making good use of their signals, but it might not be. More likely, this is someone preparing to re-join the lane you're in. After waking up and thinking they need to turn left, they knocked the indicator stalk as they moved into the centre lane. In keeping with the "I'm totally lost" mentality, they then realise that in fact they didn't need to turn here after all. So now they're in centre lane of the road with their left indicator going, but needing to re-join traffic. Simple, see? And when they do re-join, it will be in a spectacular demonstration of the above paragraph of not knowing what mirrors are for, followed by a 2 mile drive with the left indicator still on.
All this indicator tomfoolery is is compounded by another peculiarity of Utah driver.....

Left-foot braking, or trail-braking

A Huge number of Utah drivers, (in automatic vehicles at least), drive with their left foot resting on the brake pedal. This means that their brake lights are permanently on. In turn, this means you have no idea when they're actually slowing down, and as a result, you stop believing brake lights. This compounds the accidental use of indicators, because now you're presented with a vehicle that has been driving along with the brake lights on for a couple of miles, that actually begins to slow down. You've no idea why until the last possible moment, when the indicator comes on as they start to turn. If you're in heavy traffic, this can be a while. You'll typically find yourself waiting behind a vehicle that, for all intents and purposes, has just parked in the middle of the road.
It's frustrating, it's dangerous, and it totally blows the concept of "keep the traffic moving" because you have no idea if you can risk going around them on one side or the other because they don't indicate what's going to happen. Mind you - even if they did - remember there's no guarantee that a left turn signal means a left turn.

Cellphones

Utah drivers, as a whole, have a pavlovian reflex in their cars. When they get in and start the engine, they'll speed-dial someone on the cellphone and start talking (or texting). The conversation(s) will last for the duration of the journey, and only when they drift into a parking space at the end, will they hang up. Adding cellphones to the equation adds a whole new dimension to the already random nature of Utah driving, as a result of which I get a huge amount of satisfaction out of one particular "road rage card" (available here) which simply reads "I hope that cellphone gives you cancer." Now if only I had the balls to use it.

Parking

Applying the word "parking" to what most Utah drivers do in a parking lot is a pretty loose use of the English language. Generally speaking, the car will never be straight in the parking bay. A number of parking lots now have angled bays to help but this hasn't really cured the problem, as now they just park crooked in the angled bays instead. A lot of the time, they will drive straight through and into the bay on the other side because it seems that Utahns cannot reverse (more of that in a moment). This is another great source of accidents because someone will see a parking space and aim for it, then come face-to-face with the person who's busily driving through from the parking slot on the other side.
Reverse-parking, or parallel parking is always a good laugh to watch. I've seen people actually drive around the block and come back because they can't get the car in backwards. Reversing certainly isn't taught at driving school and you're not tested on it in the driving test. Frankly the only time you'll ever see a Utahn going backwards is when they're trying to get out of the parking slot that they parked in so badly to start with. And if the slot in front has opened up, they'll go out forwards just to avoid doing that.

Parking Pt.2

The whole parking thing is so amusing to me I just had to start a page all its own. So head on over to So You Think You Can Park to see some fine examples.

And so to trains and trams

Armed with the above knowledge, you'll not be surprised to hear that Utah drivers - actually probably just those around Salt Lake City - don't understand trams, trains and light rail. It's no surprise any more when the lead story on the evening news is a vehicle being hit by a Trax train. They're huge beasts - bright white with red and blue stripes, bright headlights, a bell and a horn. How on earth can you not see them? The number of drivers who turn left in front of them and end up being dragged down the line in their cars has to be seen to be believed. Tragically many people have been killed doing this and still the message hasn't got through. Similarly, the number of people who think that the barriers at crossings are just an inconvience to be driven around is also quite high. It's so crazy that our local transportation department have had to put ads on TV to try to explain to people that no, trains don't stop on a dime, and yes, you will be maimed, injured or killed if you step or drive in front of one. To me that would be common sense ....

Utahns and SUVs

Utahns have an almost pathological need to drive SUVs yet less than a tiny fraction of them ever go off-road. I don't know if it's to do with the size of families, or the misconception that SUVs are somehow safer. But it seems gas-mileage is sacrificed in favour of a vehicle so absurdly huge that nobody can sensibly drive one, and that safety is sacrificed in favour of a vehicle that is guaranteed to end up on its side or roof in the event of a crash. (And there's a lot of crashes in Utah - 400% the US national average for non-fatal crashes.)
Perversely, when the bad weather comes, you'd think SUVs would be the perfect vehicle. Utah has the best snow on earth, and a lot of it regularly covers the roads in winter. Under normal circumstances, a 4-wheel-drive would be the ideal vehicle. But here in Utah, short-term memory loss is coupled to the seasons and the weather. As far as I can tell, on the day the snow melts, the memory of driving in the snow melts away too. So if it snows the following day, all the SUV drivers are driving as if it was 40°C and sunny with dry roads. The memory of the previous day's skidding and skating has completely evaporated. As a result, the morning news shows in Utah are chock full of pictures of SUVs on their roofs, SUVs on their sides, SUVs in the center median, SUVs crushed beyond all recognition and SUVs wedged under 18-wheelers. Typically the owner will be standing at the side of the road on their cellphone, and the left indicator will still be blinking in the wreckage.